preface

•October 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I am not a writer. I have never successfully kept a journal or diary. I am shy and not prone to sharing my self with others. I am writing this journal of sorts to get over my self in a manner of speaking.  Here I will tell all the things I keep to myself.  My dark moments as well as my high times.  I am not doing this for the input of anyone else (although, you may provide input if you feel so inclined).  I will not keep my self private anymore either. I have come to the awareness that doing so has not made me a better person and in fact has kept me from growing into the person I want to be.  If my family and or friends stumble upon this I apologize now for any hurt my words may cause.  This is ultimately for me.

I am 33 and 9 months.  My life is at once the worst and the best it has ever been.  I am constantly in a state of flux, on the border of laughter and tears. There are days when I feel like i am soaring and days where i contemplate death in every way imaginable.  Some days I cycle through these feelings from minute to minute. 

I have been reading, when I can keep focus long enough to finish a paragraph or two, books by Abraham-Hicks and Deepak Chopra. I suppose these books are considered “self-help” and they certainly are helping…at least as long as the book is open.  When I am reading the words in these books it often feels like there are being torn from within me.  Literally torn, these words are painful to read and yet deeply satisfying. However when I am back in the world, what I see around me seems so dis-eased and unhappy, fear is everywhere I look. It is so hard for me to maintain the uplifted feeling I had. This must not be the way life and the world has to be.  I believe in something “more”. I am not a theologen or philosopher but in my heart I know that there must be more, at least for me, happiness is what I want, and I know that it is out there waiting for me to find it.  My happiness… I already know what I do not want, I am now searching for what I do… that’s what this journal is about.  It is a map in progress, if you will, leading me to my happiness.

wisdom from a starbucks cup…

•January 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you’re not good enough.  On occasion, some may be correct.  But do not their work for them.  Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.  Don’t take it personally when they say “no” — they may not be smart enough to say “yes.”

–Keith Olbermann

Broadcast journalist and host of MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

heartbreak

•January 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

the-oscar-grant-bart-shooting

ego…

•October 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

what an odd thing it is… such a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance.  i find it so difficult to maintain a feeling of truly not caring what other people think about me.  it seems like i am always analyzing interactions with people and wondering why i feel inadequate, did i say the right things / have the right attitude / did i seem too smart (i hide behind my vocabulary i think) or too easily amused?  i’m not one of the “cool” kids, i have never been that cutting-edge chic that everyone secretly wants to be and hates cause they aren’t. part of me is glad, I get tired just thinking about how much work that must be, but the other part sees the effortless way those people seem to move through life and i wish i could be as free as they seem.  i am rarely comfortable when there are odd numbers of people, i feel anxious and awkward. i know that all of the insecurity i am feeling is my ego complaining about a lack of attention. surely i don’t want people in my life that hand out acceptance as though it were halloween candy but nevertheless i am fearful of the loss of those friendships tentative though they may be. i try to never judge my friends (which i’m pretty good at) or anyone else (not so good at that, but i’m practicing) and i wish i had one friend that i felt didn’t judge me… thank god i have my mother who never judges anyone.